Telling someone you’re HIV positive is a very personal decision. Who to tell, when and how to tell them, and why you want to tell them are all important questions. One reason to tell someone you’re HIV positive is to have someone to talk with about what you’re going through.
Family, partners, and friends
The people who are already close to you can give you support. To help you decide who to tell, you could ask yourself the following questions. Who do you feel ought to know? Who accepts and doesn’t judge you? Who loves and values you? Who respects your privacy? Who is practical and sensible and reliable? Who has responded well to requests for help in the past? Who’s a good listener? You may decide to tell different people for different reasons.
You may be afraid of how loved ones will react to your having HIV. Depending on your situation, there may be certain people who are hard to tell - maybe your parents, or your children, your partner, or your close friends. You may have to tell people things about yourself that they didn’t know. If you’re gay, or bisexual, and people don’t know, talking to them about HIV can be difficult. This can also be true if you have been having sex outside a relationship, or if you use drugs, and people don’t know. But many spouses, partners, friends, and relatives will be able to recognize the courage and trust it takes to talk about being HIV positive. Many people with HIV find that taking a chance and talking with people they trust results in deeper, closer relationships. You have to balance the risk of rejection with the possibility of support. A counsellor at your nearest AIDS group or needle exchange program can help you decide whether, or when, to tell someone. A counsellor can also help you deal with your feelings about how people react when you do tell them.
You don’t have to tell anybody until you’re ready. And you don’t have to tell everyone all at once. You’ll probably find that you feel comfortable with different people at different times. Trust those feelings and do what feels right.
Other people with HIV
Talking with other people who have had the same kinds of experiences as you can give you support and practical tips about how to deal with issues. These people can help you develop a strategy for managing your health by sharing what has worked for them.
You may eventually decide that you want to be public about your HIV status. Speaking in public forums, attending conferences, and participating in AIDS activism can be interesting and rewarding. On the other hand, you may decide to tell only a couple of people who are close to you. This can be a very different issue depending on whether you live in a big city, small town, or rural or remote area. The important thing is that you choose who to tell and how to tell them, and that the people close to you respect your decision.
Your doctor
If you don’t feel comfortable telling the doctor you go to now, it may be a good idea to find a new one. This can be hard if you don’t live in a city, because there are fewer doctors to choose from. You may find yourself educating your doctor about AIDS. Your nearest AIDS group can make referrals to knowledgable doctors and can recommend material for your doctor to read. You or your doctor can also contact the Community AIDS Treatment Information Exchange’s HIV/AIDS Treatment Information Network for treatment information. Finding a doctor who knows how to treat HIV/AIDS is important. Doctors who are not specialists but who know a lot about HIV/AIDS are sometimes called HIV primary care physicians.
Other people you deal with
You have the right to privacy, and it’s up to you to decide whether you’re going to give personal information to someone. Unfortunately, some people still discriminate against those who have HIV. Use your judgement with people you don’t know very well. If you don’t want people you tell to tell anyone else, make that clear.
In most cases, your employer and the people you work with do not need to know. Landlords and neighbours do not need to know. Unfavourable reactions could affect your housing situation or cause other problems that you don’t need
Sexual partners and people you share needles with
Discussing your HIV status with someone you’re having sex with is a very different issue from telling someone in order to receive support. It can be hard to decide whether and when to tell that person. Do you tell someone as soon as you meet him or her, or do you wait until you’re going to have sex? Does it make a difference whether this is a one-night stand or an ongoing relationship? What if prostitution is how you make your living?Some people say you should tell anyone you’re having sex or shooting drugs with. Other people say you don’t have to if you’re practising safer sex and using needles safely. This is something you’ll have to think about. Talking about it with other people who are HIV positive may help you make up your mind.You might consider contacting people who you have had unsafe sex with, or anyone you’ve shared needles unsafely with, so that they can decide whether they want to be tested or not. Unless you were tested anonymously, if you’ve just recently tested HIV positive you may be contacted by your local public health office and asked to give the names of recent sexual partners or people you’ve shared needles with. A counsellor at your nearest AIDS group can help you figure out who needs to know and may be able to give you suggestions about how to deal with the public health office.There have been a couple of legal cases where people who knew they were HIV positive have been taken to court for infecting another person through unsafe sex. The law in this area keeps changing.Sometimes people are afraid to talk about their HIV status or safer sex because of how other people may react. This fear can make a lot of sense, especially if you’re worried about rejection or violence. No one should ever push you into sex that you don’t want. If you need advice on how to get your partner(s) to have safer sex, or if you have fears about your relationship or safety, talk to someone at your nearest AIDS group.There are sections on sexually transmitted diseases and safer sex in Chapter 7. You can also get information on safer sex from your nearest AIDS group or public health office. You (or you and your partner[s]) may also want to talk about sex with a counsellor. Counsellors are available at most AIDS groups.Remember, deciding who you’re going to tell is up to you.
